


13 dwarrowdam's, a witch, and a Hobbit

by ScotCoyjedii



Series: Hobbiton x Dwarves [5]
Category: The Hobbit (Jackson Movies)
Genre: F/M, Gender flipped, I'm probably Evil, Oh God Yes, except bilbo, just cause, males become female
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-31
Updated: 2015-03-31
Packaged: 2018-03-20 13:09:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,279
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3651531
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ScotCoyjedii/pseuds/ScotCoyjedii
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>13 dwarrowdams find a need to help there husbands <em> (if they have em)</em> and Ganda the Grey points them in the direction of a Hobbit they thought was another <em> female </em> ended up to be another male Hobbit.<br/>who happened to be drunk at the time.</p>
            </blockquote>





	13 dwarrowdam's, a witch, and a Hobbit

**Author's Note:**

> I own nothing!

Bilbo met Ganda the Grey the witch who made such wonderful fireworks this morning she was asking for an adventurer to join her on a quest. He joked as long as the fellows weren't humans that turned into wolves he didn't care.  
"How many should I expect?"  
"Thirteen, dwarves to be exact."  
"okay then," 

Later that night he spent most of the day cooking for the thirteen dwarves he was well known for his cooking and hastily restocking up on everything before nightfall even when twelve plus Ganda the Grey he was worried when the thirteenth one didn't show up.  
"Don't worry about Aunt Thorin Master Boggins,"Fíli said calmly.  
"Get's lost constantly." Balin laughed.  
"If she's your leader how did you manage to get to the Bloody Shire?"  
"Ganda the Grey of corse."  
"You make it sound easy just please stay away from farmer Maggot's farm he has three hounds like hounds from mount Doom. Nasty little blighters got bit by all three in me leg." They noticed that Bilbo always seemed to walk with a slight limp.  
"My own fault for stealing corn as a fauntling the dogs got me again about two months later in the cabbage i got away but with bite marks. Never went back after that."  
I got up and whistled for my own coonhound a black and white Bluetick coonhound Rebel a green eyed coon hound who can smell a deer a mile away.  
**_"Rebel, I need you to go find a straggling dwarf who's lost. Likely another female dwarf. If you do this Mister Gamgee will take you to Bree to hunt deer come this fall." I said in Hobbitish to the cute dog._** Scratching him behind the ears as he runs out the doggie door.  
"This should be easy." His ears flicked at the sound of someone from his lower tunnels.  
"Lotha!"He screatched.  
"Twenty one year old brat your parents will be hearing about this!"Bilbo roared at the tween who was being forced out the door by chain scythe's.Just as Rebel returned with Thorin.  
Lowering his weapons putting them on his mother's glory box giving the bouncing excited hound a deer antler to chew on that he got from the petstore in the marketplace.  
"You want it?"  
"You earned it go get it."He tossed it down the hall way as Rebel went after it yipping like crazy taking the bone into his room.  
"Bilbo Baggins at your service m'lady." Bilbo said she was still stunned.  
"Ganda I lost my way twice I thought you said this place would be easy to find."  
"Semi easy." Kíli teased getting a slap over the head by Balin. Maybe its just me but do these bearded ladies have more spine and backbone than half of the Shire Women. If I wasn't already Took I probably would have married one I don't really like any Brandybucks tell you the truth.  
"Ow." Kíli wined as I managed to keep a straight face. I kept hearing the wolves howling it was nothing it was the past mingling with the present. Shaking my head.  
"Bilbo is it..."  
"No its nothing." I lied.  
"Have your ever fought with anything besides this?" Thorin motioned to my chain scythes.  
"Yes. I have throwing knives and throwing stars. I used to have a bow and a set of arrows till i took one to the knee."  
"What are you a heavily armed barkeeper?" Kíli laughed getting another slap over the head by Balin.  
"More like assassin." Nori snorted the Hobbit was over there in a minute and threw the Cast Iron skillet at her head.  
"Ninja! Ninja are above assassins, do i look like i get paid for killing people?"  
"You nicked me."  
"Because i didn't want to ruin my favorite pan." I snapped.  
_Now I needed a drink preferably the stronger the better._  
"Bastard,"  
"Don't get those two mixed up." I laughed just as i stepped on the broken not expensive heirloom cockery i should have cleaned up a week ago. Due to the thick soles and pads naturally on a hobbits feet it didn't cut my skin at all I cleaned it up now while I could going for the Hobbiton Scotch. Taking the bottle i have opened a pouring a shot of the amber liquid into a shot glass. Putting the open bottle in the center of the table as they helped themselves to seconds and later dessert. I stepped out to get some fresh air and maybe make sense of all this.  
The alcohol didn't take the edge off as it should I keep seeing and hearing those wolves...  
"Hey, Bilbo is it?"  
I grunted a yes.  
"Come on."  
He signed the contract much to Balin's shock without even caring about what he's going to face.  
"What about the dragon?!"  
"Furnace with wings." Bofa said cheerily.  
"Sounds like heaven compared to the Sackville-Baggins."  
"I'm starting to wonder about your sanity."  
"Says a lot coming from a grey witch."  
"Damn it, i have no children to speak of. A favorite nephew but that's it. I'm unmarried so what's the problem?"  
"Other than my sex?"  
"We were hoping you were female."  
"Then head to my cousin's place i get along better with the Took's than you would expect."  
"Explain to me why you already had a will drawn up prior to this?"  
"Sackville-Baggins."  
The argument lasted between me and Balin for about a half an hour before it was over Balin left unceremoniously pissed off which was rare for her.  
I refused to let any amount of women folk be left without one last good memory of sleeping in an ordinary bed before hitting the road. They sang my new favorite dwarven song "Misty Mountain's Cold".  
"Bilbo you aren't used to the road..."  
"You deserve it more than me. Enjoy it."  
"If you insist."  
Thorin put up the most resistance against that but eventually gave in when I told her the truth.  
"I don't know when the last time you slept in a nice soft bed but humor me you won't regret it. I don't mind really."  
I didn't mind because I always had a pack ready to hit the road just in case someone required my ninja services elsewhere. I have slept on the ground before. I rarely got more than a few hours sleep anyway more than I needed sleepwise. I took a swig straight from the nearly empty bottle of Hobbiton Scotch within three swigs it was done it finally made the wolves be silenced for now it seems. I sleep six hours but just before the dwarves woke up I had time to make the last First Breakfast I would cook in the Shire. They woke slowly to the smells of a kitchen ready for first breakfast. Finding the table full of breakfast foods cinnamon buns, sticky buns, pancakes,sausages, and all sorts of breakfast smells. Coffee and teas were brewing in the pot as the smells of both mingled with the delicious smell of bacon which was mouth watering.  
"This is over the top even for you Bilbo."  
"It's not often I get thirteen visitors who eat this much the Took's depends on which one my cousin is with child again sixteen and counting." Bilbo Joked helping himself to blueberry pancakes, a cinnamon bun, several slices of bacon and a sticky bun.  
The dwarves dug right in proclaiming afterwards that the breakfast was the best one they ever had even Thorin was impressed by the magnificent blackberry pancakes.Of which were her new favorite.  
"Sixteen?"  
"Yes."  
"Is that even physically possible?"  
"Apparently yes."  
"Tall ,dark and beautiful." He said to Thorin.

**Author's Note:**

> just say the word and it becomes more than one chapter. 'kay?  
> I got ideas on how to continue this already but I think popular opinion comes into play just to be fair to you. Until then unsolved cliffhanger.


End file.
